What a bloated vat of horseshit this is. This is the Melbourne- and the Australia that I know:
Don’t drink alcohol here; Or there; Don’t spit, Don’t run; Hurry up; Don’t rush; Don’t sit; Don’t stand; Don’t forget to touch on; Don’t forget to touch off; Stay between the lines; Don’t park here; Don’t park there; Don’t question the rights of a monopoly operator to charge $238 to park your car at Melbourne airport for four days, even though your plane ticket to anywhere in Asia cost less; No photos; Your call is being recorded; Your image is being recorded; Your emails are being data-mined- for profit, by a company that makes billions of dollars but doesn’t pay tax in Australia; You’re on candid camera; Don’t joke about terrorism- fines apply; Don’t blow anyone up in a terrorist act- even politicians and others who clearly deserve it- fines apply; Don’t watch the road, watch your speedo- you never know when the speed limit will arbitrarily change; Your photo is being taken- again; Watch your back at work- Shaun from marketing/procurements/accounts receivable wants your job; Be more productive; Don’t ask for a pay rise; Don’t complain if the best that your dickless, corrupt union can get still leaves your wage 5% behind the rate of inflation after four years of ‘negotiation’; Be grateful they didn’t sack you for asking for a pay rise; Don’t expect that pay rise to take effect until negotiations finish after three or four years and all the relevant parasitic lawyers and union officials have milked the process for all it’s worth; Do expect to move into a higher tax bracket and effectively lose your hard-fought pay rise; Do expect to pay lump-sum tax on any back-pay; Don’t expect to be back-paid; Don’t expect any pay rise, ever- we all have to do our bit; Don’t question the government’s treatment of the disabled, unemployed, refugees, nurses, teachers, paramedics, baristas (oh, give me a break- I mean coffee makers) or the lowest paid child-care workers and cleaners- they are all leaners, not lifters like Gina Rinehart; Don’t smoke here, or there, or indeed anywhere; Don’t question the inconclusive or discredited evidence around passive smoking- just delude yourself that you are saving a life by not smoking on the same planet as that woman’s kid; Don’t drink and drive, ride a bike, or even walk- you’ll be arrested for being D&D and arguing with the copper that you’re not disorderly, just drunk; Don’t question the rights of cyclists to own 1/3 of the road, even if they contribute nothing to the road’s upkeep- they’re better than you because they don’t drink and smoke, you bogan, drinking, smoking, car-driving scum- oh, and they think they look good in lycra and ride bikes worth more than your crappy car; Don’t abuse a cyclist who has cut you off- fines apply; Don’t hope for a good job doing what you trained to do at university; Take any job that is offered to you, even though none will be offered to you because you’re over 40, over-qualified, and cost too much; Retrain at your own expense- and it’ll be more expensive now, because that fabulously-paid, imaginary job you’ll never get will justify the newly deregulated university/TAFE fees; Don’t question the erosion of democracy caused by the proliferation of secretive public-private partnerships with dubious, secret business plans- what are you, a fucking commie??!; Don’t hope for a pension before you die of exhaustion from working too much; Don’t expect your superannuation to be safe from criminal financial advisors or invisible ‘market forces’- only lifters like pollies deserve safe, corruption-free super schemes; Don’t expect corrupt financial advisors employed by major banks to ever be prosecuted- they’re lifters, not like you; Don’t move to some other country where it’s cheap to live and expect to receive your pension for more than six weeks- stay in Melbourne and contribute, you fucking ungrateful, unpatriotic leaner; Don’t expect a scholarship- only ‘women of calibre’ get those- like the prime minister’s daughter; Don’t try to get Telstra to fix your internet anytime soon; Don’t argue with the guy in Mumbai- he’s only doing his job, and he’s upwardly mobile and genuinely grateful for his $5/day- not like you; Don’t expect compensation if Telstra not fixing your internet caused your business to lose money; Don’t expect justice if you are incorrectly fined, overcharged, or charged for a service that you didn’t receive or didn’t ask for; Don’t stop looking for a better job, re-applying for the same job you’ve had for 10 years, working longer hours, neglecting your children in order to work longer hours, or paying that fucking outrageous mortgage- remember- the bank CEOs are all deserving lifters- not like you. That’s why their wages are called ‘remuneration’, and ‘compensation’, not ‘wages’; And finally, don’t question the inequity of bankers’ remuneration/compensation.
Fines apply for transgressions in all cases- unpaid fines will accrue interest at 5-10 times the cash rate. If you die before you pay, the fines commute to your offspring, with interest. You’ve been warned.
In the meantime- enjoy living in Melbourne, the world’s most livable city in the world’s most livable country.
As for me- I’ll stay right here, thanks. It’s not perfect, but it’s livable.
PS: And don’t start me on Melbourne’s shitful weather (-;